Bella Italia is to food, what Next is to clothes. Shops for people without souls.
Shops for people who like Mondeos, Fleeces and Strictly Come Dancing. Shops for people who are stealing my oxygen.
If anything, could single-handedly sum up the mediocrity of a large proportion of British society, it would be that handful of things above. Shops for people with no taste. Shops for people who exist.

Shops that would probably appeal to the waste of skin and bone that was featured on last nights Derren Brown special "Apocalypse". Like Derren's "landing an aeroplane special", he took some hopeless excuse for a human who "lives in a rut". He thought it was acceptable to walk into the room whilst he Mum and Dad were watching TV and just change the channel over. The idea was to give him a life changing experience which involves convincing him zombies are real and he's living in a post apocalyptic disaster in hope that he'll come home and what? Make his mum a cup of tea occasionally? Allow them to continue watching the TV show they'd started? Do something other than rot his manginess life away in the pub playing pool every night?

The problem with using such an empty soulless waste of a half developed human embryo was that he had all the charm of a rotting teddy bear at a graveside (been waiting to use that for a while, thank you The Thick Of It). He appeared more like a zombie to begin with than the zombies in the show. In fact, were they sure he wasn't one? He barely spoke and he had no human reactions to anything. He was either a zombie or a boring fucking cunt.

To make up for his lack of personality and errr, speech, the show makers had to fill all the silence with loud orchestra hits and tense music. If it wasn't for the backing sound track and the other actors we'd have been watching a spaced out imbecile walking around like he was seeking his next heroin hit only occasionally spurred into movements which clarified to us he wasn't asleep by the threat of his face being chewed off by a member of the living dead.

Except as one friend pointed out on twitter (@lucyfayedawson) "@realdannys it's like someone has been given a minuscule budget to film and replicate 28 days later with an amateur dramatics group". Then again, this chap looked like he'd be convinced by a group of primary school kids with bedsheets over their heads pretending to be ghosts. They missed a trick, they could have saved all of their budget and just filmed the pretend apocalypse in Next or Bella Italia. For the apocalypse has already happened. We already have mediocre drones acting as humanity all over the UK. Consuming shit, thinking nothing for themselves. Its "apocalypse already".

I'm hoping Derren has a BIG twist in this. Rather than rehabilitating the cretin into something useful to society, they actually have him killed and Derren observes public opinion to seeing a half baked excuse of a man killed in a low budget Channel 4 stunt. He then points out how we were all expecting him to become a better human being but in fact his mother and father were so sick of him they were prepared to allow him to perish on national TV. I'm already prepared to click "like".

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