Apocalypse Already

Bella Italia is to food, what Next is to clothes. Shops for people without souls. Shops for people who like Mondeos, Fleeces and Strictly Come Dancing. Shops for people who are stealing my oxygen. If anything could single-handedly sum up the mediocrity of a large proportion of British society it would be that handful of things above...

‘Ad Kids?

Babies, toddlers, children, they're lovely aren't they. Cute, funny, appealing. Well not to me. I hate them. I always have. So much so I didn't even like myself until I reached my late teens. So you can imagine my delight when around mid 2009 every London based TV advertising agency thought it product marketing...

Tune in, Call in, Vent Anger.

I've been listening to an unhealthy amount of radio phone ins. Against my will I might add, due to an undemocratic workplace policy of tuning into the same radio station every day. The playlist loops each day until I can hardly distinguish the music from the relentless hum of computer cooling fans and clicking hard drives.

This has to be the worst part of any website to write content for - For three stand out reasons. 1. It's an introduction, no one wants to write introductions for anything. 2. Its "website filler content" it's not the meat, or the reason you're here, in fact no one will probably ever read this so it's practically pointless. 3. It basically involves talking about myself and why this site exists, which ive already sort of done in the first real article anyway, so it overlaps.

But writing about yourself is a nightmare. Its boring. Its difficult, and worst of all you have no idea what to say. I was once filling in an application form which asked me to describe myself in three words. After pondering for at least ten minutes I decided to text my mate to see what reply he'd give for me…instantly realising that was a waste of my time if I wanted a serious answer. The first reply I got within about 15 seconds was..

Click to read the rest of this introduction...

"right wing royalist"

Thanks for that, three words that describe the virtual opposite of me in most regards, to be expected though right? He then followed up with:

"opinionated entrepreneurial schmuck"

Thats actually spot on. Completely useless for the form I was filling it, but I couldn't disagree with the three words. Except it may give the illusion that I'm jewish and I'm not. His final suggestion which he sent through with a stipulation of "take it or leave it" was.

"my best friend"

It's of no use for either my form at the time, or this site right now, but it was sweet non the less and had his answer to my next question which was "name one of my biggest achievements" not instantly been "10 GCSE's" would have rounded off the conversation perfectly.

Anyway I digress, I've neither introduced myself, given you a taste of my bile, or explained what this site is about whatsoever in those opening paragraphs. And I'm not going to. And I just started two sentences with "and" (which I was always told was a cardinal sin of grammar, you'll probably be seeing a lot of those dotted around the site). Part of the reason for this website was to almost confusingly consolidate everything into once place. Potential employers will be met with my foul mouthed rants on TV adverts next to a CV of my business achievements. Friends will see what they're used to seeing on Facebook along with my latest music or film work. Enemies can use it as a single place to gather ammunition to fire against me. Identity thieves will probably be cloning me as we speak and opening offshore bank accounts across the world (if you are, I curse your soul, etc). All in all its an experiment in consolidation.

I can't bare the phrase "what you see is what you get" because its often uttered by someone without the brain cells to even conjure multiple personalities let alone have enough charisma to execute them.

Mark Zuckerberg is constantly trying to push us to display a single version of ones self to anyone and everyone. Eg; not a different person for our work friends, our boss, our real friends, our family, etc. I realised that Ive pretty much done this my entire life and often to my detriment. I can't bare the phrase "what you see is what you get" because its often uttered by someone without the braincells to even conjure multiple personalities let alone have enough charisma to execute them (I instantly think of someone on Jeremy Kyle saying it). But genuinely I only have one disgusting, moany, moody, cynical, opinionated, piss bucket of an argumentative egotistical side to present to people. So I thought, lets do the same with the things I like. Plonk them all in one place with no explanation. I realise some of my interests and work are so wide ranging it couldn't possibly all interest one person, but I also didn't want to go down the line of keeping a portfolio separate, a freelance CV separate, my music work separate (and then splitting the alias' down per genre…ok so people might not like glitch techno next to soulful pop, but lets see what happens!)

So thats it, you're here. Enjoy, hate, bookmark, delete, comeback or never return again. Its up to you. Like me and Marmite you'll probably either love this site or hate, but not just any Marmite, oh no...this Marmite. Charlie Brooker | David Mitchellsell diamonds

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